I spoke to Eric via msn on how wrong we have done and that it has affected me emotionally n mentally.bla bla bla.anw conclusion is that we’re not going to meet for now until my exam is over and that I have to concentrate on my studies.

Conversation with him yest seems oki..it all seems that we’ll still be frens n stuff.but guess what?the moment I log on to FB today, trying to look at his profile, I realized that he was no longer my friend. I was speechless. I really was. I dunno how to desc that feeling I have in me - mixture of anger,pissed and sadness.

Shortly after knowing it, I emailed him. Even when I was effing busy with my work after 2 days of leave:

“Thanks for deleting me in FB.
I didn't know you will go to the extend of deleting me in FB. I'm really speechless. But well, if you think this will be good for us, me or u.Then fine. Take care soldier! Nice knowing you anw. “

Nearly 5 hours later,he replied:
“Hey sweetie, my goodness!
You got it all wrong already, I never once deleted you, why would you even think I'd do so?

Well, I deactivated my FB account so that I could put in more concentration in my work and thinking.
And partly also to stop my friends from getting me out with them, it's really crazy, i'm breaking down soon trying to entertain every single one of 'em.
And most importantly, would be to divert all your attention towards your studies for now, i don't wish you to be reminded of me every now and then, thus wasting all your time and revisions etc.

I wanna say sorry once more, I think knowing me must have been a really traumatizing point of time for you.
But nonetheless, I'm glad we met, and if you need anything just anytime, or even someone to speak to, buzz me alright!

We are still gonna meet for drinks, and it's on you! Tell me you forgotten about it! Yes? No?

You're the lovely soldier I met right from day one, and you shall always be.
Believe me when I tell you it's still going strong between us, I'd call you my, hmm.. loving friend? :)

You're the lovely soldier I met since the very first day, and you shall always be.

Promise me you'll study hard and you gonna be just fine!

Tightest hug ever okay!?
Eric “

I’m feelin rather moody today.i guess it’s bcos of EC.i know it’s just an infatuation. How will I ever fal for someone whom I get to noe in sucha short period of time.laughs.real joke! I need to grow up! I m really immature when it comes to love. Fuck!

Anw, on a side note, I’m missing u, kwang. like again. Perhaps feelings for EC is just LIKE but for Kwang, will be LOVE. Will u text me on the 27th? Will we have the chance n fade to be together again? I noe all this thoughts sound silly. But ya I really miss the time I spend with u. I miss u so much.. =(

Kwang, I Saw u online yest.it’s really a pity that we can no longer talk to each other like how we used to even if we r no longer together. I’m practically waiting for a new window to pop out and that it shows “Lester”. . . but it didn’t. I waited till you went offline. I know this will be good for me and its me who wanted this. me who requested for it. Thanks for abiding to it.

Do you know, the tot of u still bring pains to me..have u moved on? Am I still in your heart?

-16 nov'09

i had another conversation with Dennis and i find it really meaningful. he's another gift from god to me during this period of time when kwang is no longer mine...wanted to copy it dwn here but somehow i cant paste it.anw,i've saved a copy in my drive.hee.words of wisdom.

anw,been msging with EC today!like very randomly he'll text me. =)
i know we're not healthy.i noe i haf to put a stop to this.but,i jus cant bear to.god,pls give me the strength to put all these to a halt.preventing myself from getting hurt again..

i saw kwang's pic in fb.he was being tagged in limin's profile.he look desponded .for that very moment i relli wanna make him happy.n be there for him again.kwang..i miss u....i hope u can be happy.though we're no longer tog i still hope to have a happier you..awwww..i feel like crying...

k ,i shall not write about him else i'm sure to weep.i slept for 4 effing hrs only~!met p with jas n shi at bugis for dinner and tea!done some shopping too.i relli love their company.n i really thank god for having them in my life. though i feel the distant between shi n me (or us).

met up with E.C at 11.45pm(haa!).stayed up till 4+ to 5 AM.he send me home.ya i had a great time with him too.as usual.the talks we had.the blablabla n blablabla..everything as good.wrong.wateva.

fuck.i miss EC the whole day.we jus had a conversation in msn .we jus couldnt seems to communicate well in msn.he always misinterpret wat i sae.wateva la.damn sian.asshole..hate him man seriously.

"miss u cuddly" >>> ya do i hope!

caught "This is it" with xi hao yesterday. He's so nice. I swear. A very nice guy but too bad I don't have feelings for him.He always have to wait for me to knock off. Never fail to wait dwnstair with that xiao hong. He has been very gentleman so far, cos i was really disappointed with stevie.haa.anw, yep, its really comfortable being with him. Oh ya, going back to the movie. MJ's "This is it" is fantastic. he's really awesome! I love the way he dance. He seems to be a nice guy!How on earth will the media says he molested some child or something! He's really a legend! it's a pity that we lose the KING of POP. oh saying of this, Eric commented in my fb that, "well, we'll still have the Queen of Pork". laughs. Aww..i miss him so much! *hugs!!*

Anw, spoke to Eric yest on the goggle chat and back home in msn! n we're meeting today! yippie. I know i'm silly. yes i am! being so elated for nothing.just so duh~! but somehow i have a feeling that it may be cancelled off due to his busy wkload.I shall not pin too much hope in the date later on.

fuck.i'm getting emo!! am listening to WU WAN DE JIE JU..it used to be our must-sing-song when i go "K" with kwang...i'm missing him...fuck fuck fuck!!! i shld divert my attention n not think about it..i noe i can. i noe!

Saw a very fair lady when i came for work just now. and for that very moment,I want to be fair too! I want to be like most other gals where they r fair and white! Tan isnt that bad but i think i'll look better if i'm fair. sometimes i feel i'm less attractive!! Cos not many guys look at me now..laughs.

argh~! I still have this habit of lookin at my mobile for messages the first thing i woke up. but its always disappointment. I duno whose text am i waiting for. but well, i think i'm used to seeing kwang's msg when i woke up.

Sometimes i relli detest talking to E.C cos i'll get pissed off by him easily. Men just stay away from me if u're going to piss me off ! i think E.C is a little flirty or shld i sae he's this nice to everyone. well, i shld stay away else i'm afraid of falling for him. . .

Jas text me yest if i wanna go BUTTER this sat! argh..should i BUTTER or STUDY?!

argh!!!! i'm soooo freaking pissed by ERIC CHAN!!!! initially i was still very elated when he came n ping me just now.but soon after, he pissed me off when i was jus concerned with wat's in his mind.as in when he said he's nt feelin gd with lotsa stuff and that i'm one of the "thing" that makes him feel that way.any normal being will definately wanna noe why especially when u make someone upset right! i was like, can u share with me on the part with me in it? he said, "nthing" and "bye". then he appear offline. -__- WTH! **ROAR!!**

listening to Body language by Jesse Mccartney to cool myself dwn.haaa.i really dunno wats with him man!anw i jus text him to apologise..as i feel i might be at wrng too -being insensitive to his feelings.?

kwang came into my mind quite a bit todae..sometimes i relli wish i can be in contact with him to see how is he doing.but NO,i can't. if i do that i will be back to square one - be sad all over again! i dun wan to go back to the part where i have to have him in my mind all day long n doing things to harm myself.

on a side not,emma text me todae to see when we r meeting for my bday..hurhur.so happy! kok hwee also askin bout my bday.feel very much appreciated when someone rem yr bday!! i feel like having a big party or something on my 24th bday!! CLUBBING!!! but erm exam is freakin round the corner n party means till wee hours like 4am or so.then the nxt day will be damn shag...argh.i wanna get done with my ACCA REAL SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

feeling a little emo todae.but well.all the feelings can be controlled.its all within yrself.u decide if u wanna be happy or sad.seriously i need a change. i shall not always let any men affect how i feel.i need to get a hold of myself. i cant always let anyone(to be specific- GUYS) decide if i shld be happy or not. fuck!! i think its a very big task that i shld work on.

anw,my mobile has been rather silent lately.it doesnt ring as much as before. =( but i'm glad i've still got jas!!! she's like my life diary.she practically knows everything about me and sometimes she even haf to remind me wat happened n bla bla bla..i'm sooo sooo glad i've her in my life, not as a fren but a cousin cos somehow there's a litlle blood related!

awww...i'm missing E! its really ironic.but well, i noe he's not the one i shld be with n less say the kind i wanna marry.maybe its jus a crush.oh well. get over it!!

my blog is going to be damn random.wateva that comes right into my mind i'll write. n it;ll be like jumping from here to there. and maybe nothing seems to link at all.haaa.

i havent been able to study a lot per day.damn!!!wat's with me man...its either i'm feelin sleepy or that i cant concentrate cos i'm busy thinking of this n that person n blablabla..anw, i feel i cant go into any rs anytime soon until i complete my ACCA!! else i will always be very affected by that person. i shall not date any more guys!! lolx

met up with bro on fri to chill. n it was good! it was always good meeting him..i love u bro!! hehe..he always sound like my da gege,thus there no wrng in me callin him bro..hehe..oh,saying of him makes me miss him alr la!!!

ciaos . . .

Hello blog! It’s been really long since I last blog. This year havent been a good one for me. Or perhaps everything that happened was a blessing in disguse. I’ve lost someone whom I love dearly. I shall not pen dwn any details on the betrayals,cheating and stuff.
Read thru some entries I wrote. Had lotsa thoughts in my mind. All those scence just came flashing back. Somehow, I’m glad the rs with kwang had ended. I dun wanna be badly treated anymore.

Anyway i want a brand new ting! Someone who will never get upset over any tom,dick or henry and nitty gritty stuff. I need to get hold of myself! Nothing beats more than to love myself. I shld learn to love myself before going into another rs.

I’m feelin good right now and I hope it will persist. I no longer feel the pain over kwang (but I still miss him a bit and hope he’s getting better as he has fallen ill afer the japan trip). Though i feel like texting him to ask if he is fine, i did not. i noe if i do, everything will go back to square one where i'll get sad again n bla bla bla..and i've also told him not to contact me anymore.so its really weird if i start texting him after a week.well,i noe u'll be good. . .

On a side note,I’ve got a new lappy myself on sunday - 1 nov. ASUS!!! Bought it from harvey on an instalment plan.laughs..it was damn adhoc.no plans at all.mum kept 'pestering' me to get one n not use ditu's.

the next gadget that i needa get is a smart phone and i will be well equiped.hurhur.

p/s:i'll sure stop once i finished this pac. -__-